One of the things I’ve noticed lately is that about the only people you can’t deny having a relationship with are psychopaths. If they want you or want what you have, that’s it apparently. And really, it’s counterintuitive but it seems as though the worse a person treats you, the more you’re obligated to relate to them. Part of it is people’s warped idea of the concept of forgiveness — which in this case is more like masochism. You can forgive people from afar. You don’t have to have or start a relationship with them. Not only are there a lot of unrepentant people in the world who have no intention of changing their behavior, who continue to feel entitled to having their will at other people’s expense and are all too willing to use violence or the threat of violence in order to have their way, there’s also the loss of trust and post-traumatic stress to consider. Sometimes the damage to a relationship is far too great to recover from.
But the sympathy rarely goes to the victim of abuse. The perpetrator is allowed to be angry. But as the victim, if you’re angry you’re the problem. You’re a worse person than the perpetrator because you won’t forgive — which really has been redefined by our society to be the same as reconcile. And if you have to be angry as a self-defense mechanism, people take for granted that you have other feelings, too. You are hurt; you are grieving; you possibly loved this person. You’re afraid.
But in a way it makes sense. Psychopaths and malignant narcissists would rather just be themselves without having to put on a show. They want to treat people however they please without those people running away from them. And what better way to get someone to keep taking their abuse than to convince them that they don’t have the right to reject them?
In the end, you’re not supposed to focus on how your abuser treats you but rather how they feel. And how they feel is apparently a justification for whatever they do.
jenniferalicechandler 